Sunday, May 3, 2009

Pity Party - Day 3

Today marks the official third day of my self-started pity party. I intend to ride this day out and tomorrow I MUST begin to get over myself and implement a PLAN!

All my life I have hated planning. I hate someone telling me this has to come next, that has to come before, here's what you do - you get the idea. Living gluten-free does not come without planning. Living gluten-free is not a diet, it is a lifestyle. And it is time for me to embrace the lifestyle and stop the incessant worrying.

I have been having the stomach pain again, which leads me to believe I've accidently ingested gluten. I think that's what started all of the self-pity and increased my anxiety and depression. It was a matter of thinking that gluten is just lurking out there - waiting to pounce on me sort of like a mountain lion hiding behind a tree. From that thought process, I went to the thought, "I have to do this (read labels, be vigilant) for the REST OF MY LIFE!" And once my mind grabbed ahold of that thought, all of the other crappy thoughts followed.

Yesterday was a BAD day. Stomach pain, a full-blown panic attack (which I haven't had for months), isolation, depression. I had jumped into my pity party with both feet and it has been like quicksand, slowly pulling me down. Doesn't help that the weather here in Southern Indiana has been gray and rainy and cool for the past 3 days.

But I have to believe that yesterday was a GOOD day as well. I got a thought process out of my head and onto this paper - I had been thinking of starting a new blog dedicated to Celiac Disease and living gluten-free but wouldn't take the time to sit down and set up the blog. I guess yesterday with all of my sitting around moaning "oh poor me" to myself, I found the time to get the ball rolling.

My head knows this lifestyle will ultimately make me feel better for good and that these feelings will pass. I have come across some very interesting information about the effects of gluten-withdrawal - something I had not been told about, hadn't read about, didn't even know existed. When you add in leaky gut syndrome (which I have & will discuss down the road), it can be a prescription for a whole lot of the symptoms I mentioned above. One site likened gluten-withdrawal to what an alcoholic goes through after they stop drinking. And I have experience with that as well - 9 years sober on November 15, 2008. That was a battle, and I need to get it through my head that this too will require vigilance and determination.

I am praying that today WILL be the day I pop all of the black balloons at my party, stop lamenting the fact that I can't eat the cake sitting in front of me in all of it's white-flour glory and gaze around at all of the others who CAN have that glutenous enemy of mine. Instead I have to blow up some new, bright-yellow balloons, bake a scrumptious gluten-free cake and pull that girl out of the quicksand and place her feet solidly on the luxurious green grass that represents the possibility of a new, ABUNDANT life!


Post a Comment